A couple of days ago I had the worst gas pains. I needed relief big time. The ache was bad enough to make me reconsider the wisdom of eating burgers just before bed (the cause of my troubles). Now that’s serious pain.

But here’s the thing – the gas pains were not in my intestines nor in my stomach. In fact, they were nowhere near my abdomen or my anus. No, these nearly fatal gas pains were in my nose.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 10/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: so bad I could barely stand
• Trip to the John solved it: no, but plugging my nose did
• Fart Fuel: one very large, very delicious burger the night before
• Casualties: several nasal receptor nerves