The human body never ceases to amaze me. Today, I put in some breakfast cereal, several whole-grain rye crackers, carrots, a cheese sandwich, lemon rice and asparagus, and guess what came out? A series of suffocating, room-clearing fart bombs.

I had to stop unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen due to fart smell. My evening shower got cut short after blasting a big one in the enclosed gas (glass) chamber. I even had to leave the my computer for a few minutes while typing the first paragraph of this post.

Some guy at the office got caught in the first wave, back around 4:45pm. It was just when I realized my farts weren’t odorless anymore.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8.5/10
• Volume: 4/10
• Characteristics: remarkably similar to sulphur stink bombs
• Trip to the John solved it: not looking good
• Fart Fuel: good good whole wheat Shreddies
• Casualties: me, one co-worker

I’m in a meeting today with the owners and executive for a small local company. The team consists of one man in his 40s, one snappy woman around age 35, and a married couple in their early sixties. I’m the only one there from my company.

About 45 minutes into the meeting, the small room fills with a noticably gross smell. No noises or confessions, just a bunch of stink. 5 minutes later, I’m hit with wave #2, trying not to crack a smile while watching people’s faces for clues to figure out who was guilty. About 10 minutes after that, wave #3 hit and it is worse than others by far! Like, choking in my seat bad. The meeting ended a few minutes later, we all stood up, did the parting formalities, and I showed them to the door, but I never found out who did it. Whoever it was, they sure did a good job of hiding it!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 7/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: stuck in a room with no windows, cabbage flavor
• Trip to the John solved it: hopefully
• Fart Fuel: excitement over the work I’ve been doing?
• Casualties: 4 innoncent bystanders!

So, I’m out zipping around on my mountain bike tonight and could not BELIEVE how much gas I had. I estimate 30-40 farts! I was out for probably 90 minutes, but still, it just didn’t quit.

No problems, except that there were a few times when I had to really pinch off to avoid public disturbances…

The worst was when I was carrying my bike up a very long flight of stairs. The sun was setting to my left, this couple was being all lovey about 10 steps behind me, and I was trying like crazy to not puncture the mood. I let a bunch of silent ones out (thanks to some superior fart control & timing techniques); I wonder if they were too busy being blissful to notice?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 3/10
• Volume: 3/10
• Characteristics: plentiful, worrysome (turd concern), slightly painful cramps
• Trip to the John solved it: tried, but no luck; farts still flowing
• Fart Fuel: madras lentil curry on rice
• Casualties: romantic couple (possibly), my bike seat

Still only partially conscious, I’m sitting at the kitchen table this morning, peacefully thinking about the day ahead.

I barely even noticed doing it, but suddenly the air was so thick I could barely breathe.  The thing must have lingered there a full minute too, which made finishing my cereal a  pretty serious problem.  I still had that morning mental haze going on, so I just sat there and took it, half-choking, unable to think about moving to another room.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: sneaky, warm
• Trip to the John solved it: about 2 hours later
• Fart Fuel: tofu hotdog
• Casualties: me, the plant, and the fish