Its true – it does happen. And how do I know? I tried a yoga class last weekend. So its me, a cute instructor, and about 10 women aged 20 – 55 in a mid-sized room. I’m pretty new to this scene, but what’s to lose from trying something new?

The class started out pretty quietly – touch your toes, bend your legs, twist your torso… you know, yoga stuff. Along with the deep breathing and relaxing atmosphere, it was pretty ripe for flatulence.

It took about 15 minutes for the first toot to sound. I didn’t catch who it was, and frankly wasn’t interested. Then some girl let rip while we were all in “Warrior 1″ a few minutes later. It started as a squeeker, but she must have relaxed mid-way through as it rumbled for a good 4 seconds. I think was the lady beside me, but I didn’t want to look around in case everyone thought it was me.

The second fart must have been some sort of unspoken female signal – “Farting Women of the World – Let’s Fart!!” Before I knew it, there were women farting all over the place. 45 minutes of uninterrupted flatulence that would put my baseball team to shame. Good thing the windows were half-way open!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 3/10
• Volume: 2-7/10
• Characteristics: did not smell like roses
• Trip to the John solved it: how about a trip to India?
• Fart Fuel: downward dog, salamba sarvanGASana
• Casualties: 10 pastel yoga mats, 10 fancy outfits

Some of the most amazingly ridiculous information you’ll ever see is now up in the “Fart Research” section of the main Fart-Fart.com web site. Check it out for a serious laugh!

Here are a just a few sample phrases uncovered in this research (phrases typed into search engines by folks looking for fart humor). There are many more right here.

• Duck fart sound
• I farted on Santa’s lap
• Treatment of flatulence in dogs
• Fart in a jar
• Sister farted in my face
• Farting in my jeans
• Silent fart mp3
• Uncontrollable flatulence

4:00 am. Can’t sleep. Just farted and it escaped its blankety prison. Gross. Thought I filled my gitch, but it was only a dream.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 4/10
• Volume: 2/10
• Characteristics: seeping (not sleeping)
• Trip to the John solved it: too tired to try
• Fart Fuel: sushi
• Casualties: Mr. Sandman

Life gets busy sometimes. Sometimes, busy becomes stressful. As all true Fart Experts* know, stress is always reflected in your farts.

Stress-afflicted farts are often tense, high-pitched (from general body tension, including “low-end” sphincteral musculature), abrupt (just trying to pop out between important events), unpredictable (from getting bottled; bad news), and more numerous (from your nervous gut producing more gas, or possibly from eating bad food on the run). Which makes a week like this one really something special.

This week, I’ve got reduced stress, increased appetite, and totally more wicked-awesome farts. It seems I’ve had a limitless supply of big, funny, relaxed farts for three days. They’re not too loud, barely stink at all, and they just keep coming. Its like a top-40 fart hit parade, except I’m not supposed to tell anyone, and you’re not supposed to be laughing!

* – Any better ideas for a special Fart-Fart.com designation for the Ultimate Gas Champion? Poof-Genius? Fart-Machine? Fartimus-Maximus? Others???

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 1/10
• Volume: 6/10
• Characteristics: effortless; each one drives out in style
• Trip to the John solved it: hopefully not
• Fart Fuel: tofu, carrots, dried fruit, organic whole-grains cereal, etc.
• Casualties: none – farts like these are bad for no-one

Last night, in an evening meeting, times were tough. You see, I’ve been playing with my diet and have a strange intestinal weather system blowing through, and I’m not sure if there’ll be follow-through each time I fart. I can honestly say that I’ve never sharted* in my entire life, and last night was not the time to break new ground.

So, here I am, in the midst of a group of guys I would gladly fart around (even in a meeting, just for a quick laugh), but I’m pinching like the dickens because I don’t want to cause a spill and really derail the proceedings. So, I just sat there, pinched, pinched some more, went to the can during breaks to safely relieve the pressure, and just kept on pinching. I never thought I’d miss underwear-friendly farting so much!

* – half fart, half sh**, occuring while wearing clothes; not on purpose

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 0/10 (0 farts)
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: classic “it might be the end of my credibility” shart alert
• Trip to the John solved it: not yet; hopefully soon
• Fart Fuel: milk (after 2 months of trying a reduced-dairy diet)
• Casualties: farting freedom

Time to be honest: how many of us eat differently when we know our social calendars are wide open and it’ll be nothing but strangers and empty rooms for a stretch of days? I know I sure do. Which is why, after a few weeks’ insanely busy schedule, I decided to relax my otherwise cautious diet over a three day rest period. And the results?

Nuclear weapons, my friend! North Korea’s got nothing compared to the SBD (silent but deadly) volley I launched this morning. First, I had to flee my bed. Then, the elevator ride was 15 floors too long.

But, worst of all by far, the most potent little gasser I’ve had in months was the one I dropped at my desk about 3 minutes into the work day. It was just a wee fart (hardly a fart at all), yet it completely contaminated the area for 5 minutes! Good thing I planned this fart-fest for a period of non-social days!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 10/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: unexpected, felt like you might never breathe fresh air again
• Trip to the John solved it: solved one problem, created another
• Fart Fuel: special double onion & tofu curry
• Casualties: my innocence

For some reason, I’ve been taught to believe that farting in a store is less polite than farting once outside.

So I’m picking up a few things at a Rexall, pinching off a few juice-bombs so I don’t stink the joint out. I go through the checkout, head for the door, and prepare to let loose.

Just when I get outside, I run into this family acquaintance – an older woman who might even be some distant relative. But I’d already let most of the gas out already! I don’t know how much she heard, but she just smiled and chuckled. Good thing it was breezy and the traffic provide some background noise!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 3/10
• Volume: 7/10
• Characteristics: P-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-P-T P-R-R-R-R-P-T !!
• Trip to the John solved it: no need – passing bus helped enough already
• Fart Fuel: pasta salad loaded with olives & onions
• Casualties: a pseudo-grandmother who probably babysat me in 1980

So I’m walking to work, letting out a little morning steam. Just before reaching the building entrance, I let out two big ones. Knowing what was trapped in my pants, I decided to wait a few seconds before going inside.

Thinking I’d solved the problem, I went inside, immediately running into someone I knew. Not 5 seconds later, a wicked stench filled the room. But I thought I’d left it all outside!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8/10
• Volume: 6/10
• Characteristics: persistent, a zero-doubt “someone farted” smell
• Trip to the John solved it: about 15 minutes later
• Fart Fuel: late night grilled cheese sandwich
• Casualties: my pants, another co-worker

I can’t say I like shopping too much, but I was out picking up some tops the other day when an old friend appeared and said hi. It was an unexpected pleasure – I hadn’t seen her for probably 5 years. We hung out a fair bit in University.

The thing is, I’d just let a mid-sized whopper go before I noticed her. She was standing about 6 feet away from me (across a table), so I couldn’t tell if she could tell what had just happened. She didn’t grimace, but it was a real lingerer, and its not like there were a lot of people around. Anyway, I decided to leave it as a mystery, didn’t say anything, and who knows what she thought?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 6/10
• Volume: 2/10
• Characteristics: fart mixed with new fabric smell
• Trip to the John solved it: more like a trip to the till
• Fart Fuel: garden salad, croissant, and an apple
• Casualties: good old Kristel

What gives?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 1/10
• Volume: 1/10
• Characteristics: a near gas-less run of three days
• Trip to the John solved it: apparently
• Fart Fuel: totally normal diet
• Casualties: this blog post