Time to be honest: how many of us eat differently when we know our social calendars are wide open and it’ll be nothing but strangers and empty rooms for a stretch of days? I know I sure do. Which is why, after a few weeks’ insanely busy schedule, I decided to relax my otherwise cautious diet over a three day rest period. And the results?

Nuclear weapons, my friend! North Korea’s got nothing compared to the SBD (silent but deadly) volley I launched this morning. First, I had to flee my bed. Then, the elevator ride was 15 floors too long.

But, worst of all by far, the most potent little gasser I’ve had in months was the one I dropped at my desk about 3 minutes into the work day. It was just a wee fart (hardly a fart at all), yet it completely contaminated the area for 5 minutes! Good thing I planned this fart-fest for a period of non-social days!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 10/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: unexpected, felt like you might never breathe fresh air again
• Trip to the John solved it: solved one problem, created another
• Fart Fuel: special double onion & tofu curry
• Casualties: my innocence