Life gets busy sometimes. Sometimes, busy becomes stressful. As all true Fart Experts* know, stress is always reflected in your farts.

Stress-afflicted farts are often tense, high-pitched (from general body tension, including “low-end” sphincteral musculature), abrupt (just trying to pop out between important events), unpredictable (from getting bottled; bad news), and more numerous (from your nervous gut producing more gas, or possibly from eating bad food on the run). Which makes a week like this one really something special.

This week, I’ve got reduced stress, increased appetite, and totally more wicked-awesome farts. It seems I’ve had a limitless supply of big, funny, relaxed farts for three days. They’re not too loud, barely stink at all, and they just keep coming. Its like a top-40 fart hit parade, except I’m not supposed to tell anyone, and you’re not supposed to be laughing!

* – Any better ideas for a special Fart-Fart.com designation for the Ultimate Gas Champion? Poof-Genius? Fart-Machine? Fartimus-Maximus? Others???

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 1/10
• Volume: 6/10
• Characteristics: effortless; each one drives out in style
• Trip to the John solved it: hopefully not
• Fart Fuel: tofu, carrots, dried fruit, organic whole-grains cereal, etc.
• Casualties: none – farts like these are bad for no-one