Not just once, but 5 times over the past 24 hours I have farted so loudly that my ears hurt. From a bug’s perspective, it would be a vesuvian calamity of the first order. Even on from a human perspective, these have been farts for the ages.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 1/10
• Volume: 11/10
• Characteristics: violent; shocking; a full-spectrum 20-20,000Hz aural overload
• Trip to the John solved it: all signs point to more storms brewing
• Fart Fuel: a 30-day herbal cleanse routine
• Casualties: cochlear nerves everywhere