Fart Jokes

 

What good is a day without laughing at farts?
Hopefully you find some of these fart jokes funny!


 

29 Jokes About Farting

 

Fart Joke #1

Q: What’s the definition of surprise?
A: A fart with a lump in it.


 

Fart Joke #2

Q: Why did the fart cross the road?
A: It was stuck in the chicken’s pants.


 

Fart Joke #3

Q: What is a fart?
A: A turd honking for clearance.


 

Fart Joke #4

A man and his wife went to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man let a total ripping fart go.

The wife rolled over and growled, “What the heck was that?”

Martin said, “TOUCHDOWN. I’m ahead, 7 to nothing!”

A few minutes later the wife let a fly-killing zinger go.

Martin gasped, “What was that?”

She replied, “Touchdown. Tie score.”

Martin lay quietly in bed for 5 minutes, trying to work up a really big one. Before he knew it, something happened – he pushed so hard he crapped the bed.

The wife asked, “What in the world was that?”

He replied, “Halftime – time to switch sides.”


 

Fart Joke #5

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: “I’m sure he has Vborny Syndrome – those people walk just like that.”

The other student replied: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Kamawantovitz Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one student said to him: “We’re medical students and couldn’t ignore the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man answered: “I’ll tell you, but first you’ll tell me what you think.”

The first student said: “I think it’s Vborny Syndrome.”

The old man replied: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

Then the other student tried: “I think you have Kamawantovitz Syndrome.”

Again the old man replied: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

So they asked him: “So, what do you have?”

Martin cracked a wry smile: “I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong.”


 

Fart Joke #6

Martin was working hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

“Have a nice soak in the bath and I’ll bring you a drink,” she suggested smiling.

“Good idea,” says Martin, looking forward to being waited on.

He was in the bathtub when she came in with a nice glass of juice, which he accepted gladly.

“If there’s anything else you’d like, just call,” said the wife as she left the bathroom.

When she got halfway up the stairs, Martin relaxed completely and let off an enormous long fart in the bathwater.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer’s evening, the wife came in with a confused look and an object in her hands.

“What he heck is that for?” Martin asked, bewildered.

“Oh Darling,” said the wife, flustered, “I thought I heard you say, ‘Whataboutahottawaterbottle!’”


 

Fart Joke #7

Automated Switchboard Greeting at 1-800-DIA-RRHEA: “Hi, you’re through to the Incontinence Hotline… Can you please hold?”


 

Fart Joke #8

Martin and Bob were standing in a locker room when one noticed that the other had a cork up his butt.

Bob: “How’d you get a cork in your butt?”

Martin: “I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, then a big green Genie in a turban came puffing out. He said, ‘I am Sharil, the Magic Genie of Syria. I will grant you one wish.’ So I said, ‘No sh*t.’”


 

Fart Joke #9

Once upon a time, there was an Indian chief who strained to blow a fart all weekend, but it just wouldn’t come out. So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor to say, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gave him a can of beans and told him to come back the next day to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy came back the next day and said, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gave him 10 cans of beans.

The messenger boy came back the next day and said, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gave him 100 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy came back the next day and said, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gave him 10,000 cans of beans and said, “If this doesn’t work, then nothing will.”

The messenger boy came back the next day and looked at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, “Well, did it work?”

The messenger boy said, “Big fart, no chief!”


 

Fart Joke #10

There was once an old couple that had been married for forty years.

Every morning, Martin would wake up, smile, and blow an enormous fart, much to his wife’s chagrin. These farts were not just the typical morning-moaners. Rather, these were a kind of super-charged, bubbling, greasy, rotten-cabbage smelling, speckle-the-whities, wet slappers that made the neighbor’s dog run away back in ’83.

“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.

One time, around Thanksgiving, the wife decided to have a little fun. She got up early one morning, placed a pound of turkey innards in the bed next to the old boy’s arse, and slipped downstairs.

While making breakfast downstairs, she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards, followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather white-faced Martin came down the stairs.

“You were right all along,” the old man said, “I finally did fart my guts out. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to stuff them all back in!”


 

Interlude: “Fart Jokes” vs “Fart Joke”

When people go online looking for fart humor, are they looking for one joke or many at a time? According to data from Google Trends, people are looking for fart jokes in plural form.

Possible conclusion: the only thing better than a fart joke is many fart jokes!


 

Fart Joke #11

Martin had just met his girlfriend when she asked him to go over to her place for dinner to meet her parents. Anxious and not wanting to make a bad impression, he went over and hoped for the best.

After he had been sitting at the table for a while, Martin felt an incredible pain in his stomach and had to let a fart go. Just then, the family dog, Spot, walked under the table and bumped Martin’s leg with his tail. This kind of scared Martin and he let a little fart go. Suddenly his girlfriend’s mother yelled “Spot!!”

Martin was totally relieved. “This is great,” he thought, “I can fart all I want and they’ll blame it on the dog!”

So Martin let a bigger fart go, and sure enough, the mother yelled at the dog. After farting twice Martin felt much better, and figured if he let one more fart go he’ll feel a lot better. So, he let a huge ripping fart go, and this time the mother looked furious with the dog. Martin was finding this all pretty funny until the mother yelled, “Spot, get out from under the table before he sh*ts all over you!!”


 

Fart Joke #12

A man was sitting on an airplane toilet, reading a book. A few minutes later he ran up to the pilot and said, “Help! Help! I dropped my favorite book out of the plane! Can you please stop it?”

“No, I am not stopping this plane for a book,” the pilot replied.

A few minutes later, a second man ran up to the pilot and asked, “Can you please land the plane?! I dropped my lucky baseball down the toilet!” “No!” the pilot replied, “I will not land the plane for a lucky baseball!!”

A third man dropped a grenade out of the airplane. He quickly ran up the the pilot and started yelling, “Stop, stop, I lost my gren-” “Alright, Alright!!”, the pilot interrupted, “I will land the plane.”

When the pilot stepped onto the ground, he saw two little boys crying. He asked them what was the matter. They replied that something fell out of the sky and landed on them and it hurt. One was a book and the other a baseball.

Then a third boy came along, laughing like crazy. The pilot asked him, “What’s so funny? What are you laughing about?” To which the boy replied, “I just farted and my house blew up!”


 

Fart Joke #13

Confucius say: “Man who fart in church sit in own pew.”


 

Fart Joke #14

Ancient Proverb: “Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they stop laughing.”


 

Fart Joke #15

A guy is taking a leak in a back alley when a Police Officer spots him.
“Hey, Buddy, you can’t do that here!!! It’ll cost you a $17 fine.”
The bloke gives him a 20 and the Cop says: “But I don’t have any change”
“Don’t worry, you can keep it,” says the bloke, “I dropped a couple of farts too.”


 

Fart Joke #16

Q: If you’re an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you’re farting in the bathroom?

A: European.


 

Fart Joke #17

Old Granny Stool had a restaurant famed throughout the country. Travelers would come from far and wide to eat her fantastic bean casserole.

Many noticed that it didn’t make you fart like other bean dishes. Curious travelers often asked, “Granny Stool, why doesn’t your bean casserole make people fart?”

“Because I use exactly 239 Beans,” she would reply.

“Just 239 beans? That seems kind of anal. Why 239?”

“Because one more would make it Two Forty.”


 

Fart Joke #18

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Martin: “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean, I fart all the time.”

The Doctor, nodding: “Hmmm…”

Martin: “My farts don’t stink and you can’t hear them, its just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been sitting here for 5 minutes and I’ve farted six times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”

The Doctor: “Hmmm…”

The Doctor picked up his pad and wrote out a prescription.

Martin was thrilled: “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”

“No,” sighed the Doctor, “this prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”


 

 


 

Fart Joke #19

A maternity nurse was walking past the hospital staffroom, where she heard two African doctors talking, “I’m telling you it’s wumba: W-U-M-B-A,” said the first.

“No. It’s woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A,” said the second.

“No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A,” said the first again.

At this the nurse popped her head through the door, “I think you’ll find, gentlemen, that its WOMB: W-O-M-B.”

The two doctors looked blankly at her, until one of them said, “Miss, I doubt if you’ve ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool.”


 

Fart Joke #20

Two guys were playing golf – a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, began talking into his thumb.

The American said, “What are you doing?”

The Japanese man said, “Oh, don’t worry. With microtechnology, I have microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.”

The two men went on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American made a loud noise that sounded exactly like a fart.

The Japanese man looked over at him, surprised.

“Oh,” said the American, “don’t worry, I’m just receiving a fax.”


 

Fart Joke #21

Martin went to visit his doctor.

“Doc, I’ve got a rather embarrassing problem – my farts just don’t sound right.”

“Well how do they sound?” inquired the doctor.

“They make a HONDA sound.”

The doctor looked puzzled. “Hmmm… is there anything else I should know?”

“Well I also have a terrible boil in my butt,” Martin replied.

The doctor looked instantly pleased. “Thats it then. We’ll lance that boil and you’ll see a difference immediately.”

“Why’s that, Doc?” asked Martin.

“It’s well known,” laughed the Doctor, “abscess makes the fart go Honda.”


 

Fart Joke #22

A pretty woman fell in love with a widowed man. He was very shy, so she finally asked him out for a date. He was to come to pick her up that Friday night at 6.

At 5:59 pm, as they made eye contact through the window while he walked up to the door, she had a sudden, uncontrollable urge to fart. “Ordering 3 egg salad sandwiches for lunch today was really bad idea,” she thought in a panic. But she didn’t want to fart by the door, because she didn’t want the man think she had a stinky house.

The fart was balled up in her intestine. It ached. She really had to fart, but she didn’t know if she could let it out quietly on the way to the car. “Nothing’s worse than a duck quack every step,” she thought, alarmed. She quickly developed a plan.

They walked to the car, chatted pleasantly, and he opened the door for her. As she sat down and he turned around to walk around the back of the car, she finally let loose and fart-fart-farted like crazy – an ear-splitting, bone rattling TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR! Then came another – PHRRRT! Finally, two closing POOT’s punctuated the volley. Totally relieved, she delayed in closing the door and waved her hands frantically to fan the foul air out. “Phew – close call,” she thought, until the man got in and indicated towards the back seat, “Oh, I hope you don’t mind – I couldn’t find a babysitter tonight. Kids, meet my new friend, Marlene.”


 

Fart Joke #23

“Darling,” said Martin coyly to his wife, “let’s swap positions tonight.”

“What a good idea,” she replied. “You wash the dishes and I’ll watch TV and fart.”


 

Fart Joke #24

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “definitely” in a sentence.

Little Johnny replied, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny.”

To which Johnny replied, “Then I have definitely sh*t my pants!”


 

Fart Joke #25

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home, helped her move in, and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately ran up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, when the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home, they asked, “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied, “except they never let me fart!”


 

Fart Joke #26

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”

There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!


 

Fart Joke #27

A woman walked into a department store to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She didn’t know which one to get, so she grabbed a red one and went over to customer service. A sales associate with dark shades on was standing nearby.

She said, “Excuse me sir … can you tell me anything about this fishing rod?”

He replied, “Miss, I’m blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. The man said, “Thats a 7′ graphite rod with a Prism 442 reel and a 25 lb. test line… It’s great for fly-fishing lake trout and it costs $100.”

The very impressed woman stammered, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound it makes from dropping on the counter! I think it’s what I want, so I’ll take it.”

As the man walked around behind the counter to ring in the sale, the woman accidentally let out a big-time flapping fart. She flushed with embarrassment, but quickly realized that the blind man had no way to tell that it was her … he couldn’t see that she was the only person around.

He rang up the sale and motioned across the counter, “That will be $118.50.”

The woman replied, “But didn’t you just say that it was $100?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $100.00, but the duck-call whistle is $15 and the catfish stink bait costs $3.50.”


 

Fart Joke #28

One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date. While waiting, she decided to double-check that she looked perfect for him. So, she bent over in her chair to get a mirror from her purse on the floor.

Just then, with the waiter walking up, she accidentally farted at a significant volume. The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red-faced, and certain that everyone in the restaurant had heard. She quickly turned to the waiter and shouted, “Stop that!” The waiter, looking at her dryly, replied, “Sure lady. Which way was the duck headed?”


 

Fart Joke #29

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.


 

–> Listen to Fart Sounds! –>


 

Fart Jokes Throughout History

People have always thought that the fart is hilarious, despite the fact that some cultures might find it impolite. When someone farts there are always people who laugh at it. Fart jokes or practical jokes are not only belong to our generation, the oldest texts containing fart jokes are the plays by Aristophanes titled “The Knights” and “The Clouds”, from the 5th century BC. Another from joke in classical times can be found in Apocolocyntosis, which is a satire attributed to Seneca, a humorous philosopher in the era of the late Roman emperor. Here’s one quote from the story:

“At once he bubbled up the ghost, and there was an end to that shadow of a life…The last words he was heard to speak in this world were these. When he had made a great noise with that end of him which talked easiest, he cried out, “Oh dear, oh dear! I think I have made a mess of myself.””

Right now you probably frown a bit instead of laughing, but it was considered a very funny joke at that time, people were actually in tears when they heard such joke. So I guess our sense of humor is evolving too, probably when people from that time can see how we do fart jokes right now they will get upset and think that we are all immoral instead of laughing.

But people back then did have something that’s similar to our fart prank. According to Warwick Ball, an archeologist, Elagabulus the Roman Emperor played practical jokes using a kind of whoopee cushion on his dinner party guests. So looks like whoopie cushion has its own history after all, it’s a noble legacy indeed.

Not only the Romans, the Persians also have their own “fart history”. In the translated version of 1001 Arabian Nights, there is a story entitled “The Historic Fart”. It tells the story of a man who fled from his country due to a great embarrassment because he accidentally farted at his wedding, that’s a bit too hysterical isn’t it? He returned to his country ten years later hoping that everyone had forgotten that embarrassing incident, but he was wrong. That day he discovered that his fart has become so famous and the people actually marked the date and celebrated the anniversary with various events. Knowing that everyone will never forget about his legendary fart, he left the country again to an exile in India. Not sure what the moral of the story is, perhaps it’s trying to tell you that if you fart just laugh at it and move on with your life

In the early English literature, one of the most famous fart jokes can be found in The Miller’s Tale written by Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th century. Nicholas, a character in this story sticks his butt out of a window at night and farts on the face of Absolom, his rival, to humiliate him. But then Absolom thrusts a red hot plough blade in his butt crack:

“Sing, sweet bird, I kneen nat where thou art!”

“This Nicholas anon let fle a fart As greet as it had been a thonder-dent That with the strook he was almost yblent (blinded) And he was ready with iron hoot And Nicholas ammyd the ers he smoot.”

That might be a rather strange humor for people today, I’m not even sure if that’s humor or horror, a plough blade in a butt crack sounds horrible.

Gargantua and Pantagruel, a story by Francois Rabelais in the 16th century is full of acts of flatulence. In one of the chapters, the giant farts and makes the earth shakes for 29 miles around. The foul air that came out of his butt created more than 53,000 tiny men, dwarves and creatures with weird shapes, then he emitted a fat wet fart that created tiny stooping women.

Mark Twain, one of the world’s greatest writers also put some fart jokes in his books. In one of his books entitled “Conversation, as it was the Social Fireside, in the Time of the Tudors” he wrote:

“In ye heat of ye talk it befel yt one did breake wind, yielding an exceding mightie and distresfull stink, whereat all did laugh full sore.”

And…

“Good your grace, an’ I had room for such a thundergust within mine ancient bowels, ’tis not in reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby to shew his power. Nay, ’tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o’ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke ye further.”

Whoopee Cushion

As we have discovered earlier, it turns out that whoopee cushion has gone way back to the 3rd century. However, this prank device just never seems to get old and we can all still have fun with it.

Whoopee cushion is probably the oldest fart practical joke device known to mankind. It’s also known by the name of ‘farting bag’, ‘windy blaster’, ‘poo-poo cushion’, ‘turbulent bumbag’, and razzberry cushion’. This device is made out of two sheets of rubber that are glued together, with a small opening with a flap for the air to come in and to come out while producing the sound that resembles a farting sound.

It’s very easy to use, you simply need to fill it with air and squeeze it to make a fart sound. But the ore fun way to squeeze it is by placing the cushion on a chair and let someone sit on it. Some types of whoopee cushions even can self-inflate.

The earliest use of a whoopee cushion ever recorded in history was during the era of the Roman Emperor Elagabalus in the 3rd century AD. He used to played pranks on his dinner party guests using a device that could resemble a fart sound when someone sat on it, much like a whoopee cushion.

However, the modern version of whoopee cushion was re-invented by the JEM Rubber Co. in the 1920s in Toronto, Canada. All started by employees who experimented with scrap sheets of rubber. Realizing a business value of that invention, the owner of the company brought it to Samuel Sorenson Adams, Who was also the owner of S.S. Adams Co. and inventor of many practical joke devices. But at that time, Adams thought that the idea was too vulgar and he also thought that it would never sell. Being rejected by Adams, the JEM Rubber then brought the idea to the Johnson Smith Company, which accepted it and sold the item with huge success. S.S Adams Co. later followed by releasing its own version called the Razzberry Cushion.

Flatulist

You can’t leave out the flatulists when talking about fart jokes. Many people considered that they are comedians, but if you think they are the people who tell fart jokes, you are wrong. Some of these people are not even funny, but they sure know how to make people laugh by actually farting in front of them. A flatulist, also known as fartist or professional farter, is someone who can fart at will. They literally can control their butts!

Usually they perform their farting talent in an amusing manner, whether they collaborate it with a musical show or in other amusing manners. This is also not something new, because there are some references to ancient and medieval flatulists who could produce various fart sounds with rhythms and different pitches. in City of God, Saint Augustine who lived in the 4th century mentioned some performers who had the ability to command their bowels, and they can break wind continuously at will, and they can produce the effect of singing with it. In 1522, as a commentary to Augustine’s work, Juan Luis Vives, a Valencian scholar and humanist, testified that he also witnessed such performance.

In the medieval Ireland, professional farters were called braigetoir. In the 12th century Tech Midchuarda (a diagram of the banqueting hall of Tara), they are listed together with many other performers and musicians. However, these flatulists are listed at the bottom, which also shows their rank in the entertainer scale.

One of the medieval flatulists is also mentioned in the Book of Fees from the 13th century. The book mentioned the name of Roland the Farter, who was obliged to perform a show called “Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum” (one jump, one whistle, and one fart) every year in Christmas at the court of King Henry II. So looks like farting was the entertainment for the nobles at that time.

But later, the art of farting were no longer restricted to the aristocracy. In the 14th century, William Langland, mentioned farting in one of his allegorical poems as a good entertainment for the public besides playing the harp, fiddling, storytelling and parallelling.

During the Edo period in Japan between 1603 and 1868, the Japanese also had their flatulists known as “heppiri otoko” or the farting men.