Christmas Stocking Stuffer

Okay – one family gathering of the ‘07 season finished. Too bad that this will be a memorable one for everyone involved. Namely, my extended family of about 25 people.

So we’re sitting around by the fireplace in the evening, getting ready to do the whole gift exchange routine, and I’m thinking to myself, “hehe… lucky me I’m sitting on this plush absorbent couch… I could blow all kinds of gas in here and no-one would ever know…” Which was a good thing, because I had some fast-food breakfast and a pretty amazing turkey dinner/lunch brewing and bubbling in my fart-cannon. A good soft couch was exactly what I needed to avoid creating an incident.

Which, of course, did not happen. For reasons I cannot quite remember, I agreed to help distribute the gifts from under the Christmas tree, passing gifts to people, fetching boxes for the older generation, etc. But this Christmas elf was anything but quiet and cute.

It started while reaching for a specially requested box in a weird body position from the back of the gift pile. Gramps was giving his wife of 42 years a special treat this year, he said. The room was hushed an everyone was expecting a sweet and tear-jerking moment. What they got instead was an explosive surprise; the result of a particularly potent gas surge that I just could not control.

But here’s the worst part. It wasn’t just a fart. Not even just a loud fart. No, this was as bad as bad can be.

I started out trying to pinch it off, naturally, so it started as a high-pitched squeal emanating from the butt in mid-air that I’d turned to the crowd in order to lift the box. Trying to stop the flow, of course, I pinched harder and harder, which made the fart longer and (if I may brag a bit) much more musically interesting. After 8-10 seconds of this (remember, the room is hushed and there is by now NO doubt in anyone’s mind what’s going on), I decide to cut my losses and just get it over with. So, by relaxing my sphincter and giving a little push, I 100% did get rid of my intestinal gas pocket. Any my reputation. And my respect. And a good deal of breakfast.

Yes folks, I sharted at the family gathering and will never, ever, in a million years live this down. After a brief moment of silence, the room erupted into laughter that lasted for several minutes.

Good thing it was my family so they still have to accept me!!


  • Stink factor: 4/10
  • Volume: 7/10
  • Characteristics: filled my gitch – what more needs to be said?!
  • Trip to the John solved it: except for the dry cleaning
  • Fart Fuel: 2 egg McMuffins, 2 hash browns, turkey dinner, and a bad situation
  • Casualties: Grandma’s special memory