Title: American Gothic
Artist: Grant Wood
Subject: Blame it on the Chickens
Maybe she needs her colon cleansed? She looks a bit stuffy…
One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date. While waiting, she decided to double-check that she looked perfect for him. So, she bent over in her chair to get a mirror from her purse on the floor.
Just then, with the waiter walking up, she accidentally farted at a significant volume. The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red-faced, and certain that everyone in the restaurant had heard. She quickly turned to the waiter and shouted, “Stop that!” The waiter, looking at her dryly, replied, “Sure lady. Which way was the duck headed?”
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
A woman walked into a department store to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She didn’t know which one to get, so she grabbed a red one and went over to customer service. A sales associate with dark shades on was standing nearby.
She said, “Excuse me sir … can you tell me anything about this fishing rod?”
He replied, “Miss, I’m blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. The man said, “Thats a 7′ graphite rod with a Prism 442 reel and a 25 lb. test line… It’s great for fly-fishing lake trout and it costs $100.”
The very impressed woman stammered, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound it makes from dropping on the counter! I think it’s what I want, so I’ll take it.”
As the man walked around behind the counter to ring in the sale, the woman accidentally let out a big-time flapping fart. She flushed with embarrassment, but quickly realized that the blind man had no way to tell that it was her … he couldn’t see that she was the only person around.
He rang up the sale and motioned across the counter, “That will be $118.50.”
The woman replied, “But didn’t you just say that it was $100?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $100.00, but the duck-call whistle is $15 and the catfish stink bait costs $3.50.”
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home, helped her move in, and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a beautiful flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately ran up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, when the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home, they asked, “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied, “except they never let me fart!”
“Darling,” said Martin coyly to his wife, “let’s swap positions tonight.”
“What a good idea,” she replied. “You wash the dishes and I’ll watch TV and fart.”
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “definitely” in a sentence.
Little Johnny replied, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”
The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny.”
To which Johnny replied, “Then I have definitely sh*t my pants!”
A pretty woman fell in love with a widowed man. He was very shy, so she finally asked him out for a date. He was to come to pick her up that Friday night at 6.
At 5:59 pm, as they made eye contact through the window while he walked up to the door, she had a sudden, uncontrollable urge to fart. “Ordering 3 egg salad sandwiches for lunch today was really bad idea,” she thought in a panic. But she didn’t want to fart by the door, because she didn’t want the man think she had a stinky house.
The fart was balled up in her intestine. It ached. She really had to fart, but she didn’t know if she could let it out quietly on the way to the car. “Nothing’s worse than a duck quack every step,” she thought, alarmed. She quickly developed a plan.
They walked to the car, chatted pleasantly, and he opened the door for her. As she sat down and he turned around to walk around the back of the car, she finally let loose and fart-fart-farted like crazy – an ear-splitting, bone rattling TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTR! Then came another – PHRRRT! Finally, two closing POOT’s punctuated the volley. Totally relieved, she delayed in closing the door and waved her hands frantically to fan the foul air out. “Phew – close call,” she thought, until the man got in and indicated towards the back seat, “Oh, I hope you don’t mind – I couldn’t find a babysitter tonight. Kids, meet my new friend, Marlene.”